101 Embarrassing Sexual Accidents

Ancient Rome, it has oft been said, pioneered bizarre sexual proclivities, but even Caligula never thought to slake his notorious carnal desires with a cantaloupe. Besides, he lacked a microwave. After all, it was the application of this 20th-century gadget that proved our fellow countryman’s undoing and ensured his inclusion on 101 Embarrassing Sexual Accidents.The Scot appeared with his face obscured, in case his identity should reveal that of the melon. His tale began when, fearful his “partner” might be cold and indifferent, he decided to warm it up – not with a massage or foreplay, but by putting the fruit in the microwave. “She” emerged red hot – 180C – a little too hot for our Casanova and the tender “moves” resulted in second degree burns to his, as he put it in eloquent Scots’ slang, “bobby”.Still, as Grub Smith, the presenter of this horrendous catalogue of freak TV, pointed out, it could have been worse. Our competitor in this sexual Olympics was topped by a New Jersey man who felt his intimate relationship with his vacuum cleaner had grown stale and had decided to liven it up – by forgoing the nozzle in favour of the main machine, unaware that the suction was provided by a metal motor similar to a miniature propeller. The machine, no doubt disturbed by such fresh behaviour, reacted by cutting off more than just their relationship. The result? The man narrowly escaped bleeding to death.A psychologist was dragged from the set of Big Brother to explain what drove these men to such lengths. His conclusion was simple: the sensation or the illusion of being with someone else. In the interest of health and safety, I direct the male species to the wisdom of another Scot who has never, to my knowledge, attempted to make love to a melon. As Billy Connolly said: “Just sit on your hand until it goes numb.